Jan Ott with Soteria House, Amsterdam (Subtitled)

Back when I first started bipolarORwakingUP, I discovered one guy on YouTube who was talking about his manic episode in the same way that I had described mine. His name was Jan. By the time I contacted him, he had, in fact, returned to medications and was quite depressed. Jan and I would talk often, as I would share with him how I thought our stories were not much different.

Over time, Jan worked hard to heal himself, slowly weaning off his medication.
It´s been over a year since Jan has taken any medication. And since that time, he has had quite a bit of contact with a new clinic opening this year in Amsterdam, based on the model of Dr.Loren Mosher´s Soteria House.

Ever since I met Jan, I was sure that he would make a tremendous advocate for our cause. Here, he shares his story with the people from Soteria, Amsterdam.
Good Luck Jan and Soteria!!!

Sean Blackwell

So, is Ena Bipolar or Waking UP?

Here´s a story from Ena, a girl who had an experience very similar to my own. Luckily, as I did, she turned to the work of Dr.Stan Grof to understand her experience as a Spiritual Emergency.

Dear Sean,
I just recently found your videos on youtube and recently joined newlightbeings and bipolarorwakingup. Thank you very much for the work you have done. It is very encouraging to see more out there on this than when i last looked.

My Story: In 2001 i had my big 'episode'. But before that, for the previous 2 years, i had had some other experiences. Things around me would seem to start emanating a light from within and everything would just seem brighter and very beautiful and i would feel this overwhelming love. It would last for a few hours,maybe half a day.

Sometimes crazy syncronicities would occur or something like the time when a man walked up to me on the street and said 'I know what's happening to you, i can see it, it's just beginning.' I felt like i was full of light and supremely alive at those times. I told very few people about it. But one friend i respected and who was very sane and spiritual said 'Oh, god is calling you.' Anyway, then i moved and decided to start anew, based on a new way i wanted to live my life that was devoted to creativity.

One night i was in my apartment speaking in Spanish with my Brazilian friend (who didn't speak English and my Spanish was good but not great) and realized i was no longer thinking in English but speaking and thinking in Spanish. I also felt like i could really 'see' my friend for the first time. I thought i had made a great linguistic leap, but then i started having a hard time breathing and experienced that same sort of light i had in my experiences before. I also felt a little panicky and i didn't want my Brazilian friend to know what was happening.

Ironically, i went outside to smoke a cigarette. He came with me and said 'There's a lot of light, no?' Well, this is hard to keep short, but i went inside. I was alone in my room and felt scared and huddled under my covers. Then i heard a voice and saw/felt the presence of loving beings all around me. The voice was not distinctly masculine or feminine but i knew it to be god and it had a very good sense of humor. It reassured me while at the same time it freaked me out. I thought 'Well,this is how people become Jesus freaks...sign me up, then, because this is the truest thing that has ever happened to me.'

I was, and am, not religious, by the way - though i do have a thing for Jesus. I thought 'No matter what, i know and will remember that this is true.' The main thing the voice said to me was 'Are you ready? Your work is about to begin. It's all about love.' I asked for further clarification, but basically got none. I thought i was going crazy, but still believed it was 'true' and was happy though a bit worried.

The next day i spoke to my spiritual friend who said 'I saw what was happening to you then, but didn't know how to tell you - isn't it great?' I felt like i was speaking a new language. I fell madly and truly in love for the first time with someone about a week later. I wasn't really 'manic' right after i heard the voice, but after i fell in love i became much more so. I also got very physically sick.

I also experienced a kind of shared psychotic break. I was the one who continued to hear the voice at times, mainly with messages of love and support, but we both had thoughts that he was Jesus and i was Mary Magdalene and we had some role to play to help save the world. Also, we both believed life was a play or movie, that we were acting on a stage. We had VERY 'crazy' syncronicities when we were together, but i was the only one who had some new psychic ability.

We heard messages in music. Everything was alive and celebrating us! We also seemed to just magically attract people and to develop very quick intimate bonds with them. We would tell people we loved them a lot - and we did! That was one of the most significant things - i truly loved everyone, and myself. I was without shame for the first time in my life and had never felt so real or naturally 'myself'.

I still held a job. A few people thought i had gone a bit wacky, but my behavior was not extreme. My roommate was worried because i lost a lot of weight and was quite sick, but still full of energy, not sleeping or eating much - but i don't know how much of that is because she was scared of spiritual things and was very upset that i quickly moved out and moved in with my boyfriend.

I didn't tell anyone i thought i could be Mary Magdalene or Jesus. I could basically control it, but it scared me in that i felt i was too open, that people could 'see' me too much. I also was scared about my ego - i didn't want to start thinking i was 'special'. Well, it basically wound down and ended. Life seemed to get in the way and i felt i had lost 'it'. I tried desperately to 'get it back' - though i knew it was within myself.

I went to spiritual groups, read books - Grof was the most helpful. So, since then, i have assumed i had a 'spiritual emergence' or a kundalini awakening - but was it a bi-polar episode? The experience has not recurred. I still don't know and maybe it doesn't matter what the label is - though, now, from what i have read it seems it could definitely be labeled a manic episode. I do still get periodically depressed and i feel that is mainly because i am not doing 'the work' i am supposed to be doing. Though i also feel completely changed and woken up, down to a cellular level.

Yet when it all happened to me i thought it would be an easy ride from here on out, but it has been quite tough. I don't feel that i am really any 'smarter' for all that, though definitely more aware - with a more open heart and a primary focus on love and furthering my spirit. I would not trade the experience for anything.

Best, Ena

Reggie Continues to Battle!

The following e-mail really shows, what I think, will be the future of how bipolar people will come to understand their condition, and, perhaps most importantly, how we can use meds as a tool, to help manage our daily lives, without giving up our free will or our desire to unlock the spiritual awakening which happens to us within a manic episode. Thank you Reggie! I´m sure people will learn a ton from what you have written here...


Hi Sean,

I wanted to email you to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the material you have put out there on bipolar disorder. You are a godsend. A little less than two years ago I went through what I believed at the time was a fundamentally spiritual experience, which parallels yours in many ways.

While I was hospitalized (for "bipolar mania") and even for a while after, I held on to the idea that my experience was a spiritual one, that I was misdiagnosed and should be put in some different category. But after a little time and a lot of drugging, I eventually gave in to my family (in particular my mother) and the medical establishment to believe that I was "dis-ordered," that my experience was not a healing one (which is actually the attitude I went into mania with), but rather a horrible trauma due to an unspecified "chemical imbalance" in my brain.

I did not have anyone around me who "got" the kind of spirituality I was getting into, so I did not have anyone to validate my experience, or who was even willing to listen or even try to understand (although to be fair I should say my father, who is bipolar himself and not very fond of meds, tried some, but did not really "get" the spirituality the same way I did. He was also fairly removed from my life at the time due to outside circumstances). I went into a deep 6-month depression, but even after the depression lifted, I was not myself at all. I was basically a "zombie," who could neither think nor feel.

It was not for nearly another 6 months that I had the guts to defy what my doctor and family said and lowered my own medications. . . and lo and behold! I started to feel (and act) much better. Even my mother could not deny the benefits of my going lower (though she was very nervous about the idea of me being on fewer meds). I had to fight and negotiate for the next 6 months, but I have been able to get on a very low dose of medication, and I feel so much better.

On the lower doses of meds, I started to feel like exploring my spirituality again. I was no longer a zombie. In my explorations, a few weeks ago I happened upon one of your videos, and was immediately hooked. This was a person who understands, who knows what it is like to embrace the experience of mania and come out the other side a changed person. Who understands that it is (or at least can be) a healing process, which is what I believed it to be as I was entering it. Finally I had found a person who could completely validate the spiritual nature of the experience, who completely "gets it" and can explain it in a very coherent and understandable way. I feel such a tremendous sense of relief with this kind of validation. There are others out there who see it the same way I did initially (and can explain it much better than I can).

I no longer feel compelled to automatically acquiesce to the popular versions of what "bipolar disorder" is and how it should be "treated." I can decide for myself how to interpret my own experience. And what I do to handle my "condition" is a matter of my own choice.

It is within my rights to choose for myself whether I will take medications or not, and if so how much I am willing to take. In trying to make this decision, however, I do consider the risks of having another "spiritual emergency," and what impacts that is likely to have on my life. Figuring out how to fit back in to society after coming down from a mania can be a rough and painful experience, and I would likely face pressure to again conform to the opinions and standards of mainstream society and the medical establishment. But on the other hand, the mind-numbing and perception-altering effects of the psychoactive drugs that modern medicine medicine has tried to push on me drastically inhibit my ability to think clearly as well my spiritual (and emotional) awareness, sensitivity, and growth. On high doses, I feel like a zombie. On very low doses, it is not so bad, but I still notice the effects in a more subtle form.

In the end, I know that developing my soul is more important than fitting in to a misguided and ignorant society that attempts to label and subdue my emerging spirit. I hope to some day be medication free and emotionally and spiritually stable. But for practical reasons at this time I choose to take a small amount of medication. It pleases my mother and my psychiatrist, and I must admit that the medication seems to throttle down my tendency to depart from the "ordinary" ways of viewing the world.

For the time being I hope to steer clear of another mania, and I believe the meds do help prevent mania from getting started (albeit at a cost). However, at the same time, I am trying to move back toward the spirituality which did originally lead me into a spiritual emergency. In doing this, I try to be patient, and not too eager. I hope to explore these realms slowly and carefully enough so that I do not again lose my grip on reality. But it is often very hard for me to contain my enthusiasm, and I know that in my explorations I may indeed lose touch with the reality of the common world and go into another "manic episode."

If I do "pop" again, I hope to be able to embrace the experience, as I initially did before. But this time around, I believe I know better than to give in to the labels society tries to stamp on me afterwards. With the knowledge that I am not alone in viewing this as a "spiritual emergency" rather than a "mental illness," I feel much more confident in saying that I am not, nor have I ever been, truly "crazy."

Watching your videos and reading your book have given me the validation I needed to accept what deep down I already knew was true. I no longer feel the same pressure to yield to those who have tried to convince me otherwise. It feels as if a heavy weight has been lifted. My "condition" is a (potentially wonderful) way of being, not a flaw to be covered up or suppressed with medications.

Thank you so much for your courage and your effort toward spreading a daringly truthful message in a world of misunderstanding, ignorance, and opposition. It is desperately needed.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

--Reggie

Happy Anniversary, Celtic Shaman!

I'm not normally good at birthdays, dates and anniversaries but I know for a fact that the last prescription medication I took for Bipolar Disorder was August 25th 2008, therefore I have just celebrated a year off meds and the thanks for this goes to Sean Blackwell or should I say Professor Sean Blackwell of the Universities of Toronto and Sao Paulo!

On one medicated fugged up evening I chanced upon Bipolar or Waking Up on You Tube. I watched all the videos and listened intently to this haunting Canadian Accent broadcasting on Radio Brazil. Synchronicity then led me to New Light Beings, a website set up by Sean and his close confidante Kumail.

[A small correction: Kumail created www.newlightbeings.com, I just joined and promoted it...Sean]

From there I prepared myself to read his book, a 'Quiet Mind' and I can say with all due respect that I enjoyed this book more than Dr Kay Redfield Jameson's version of an 'Unquiet Mind'. The reason simply because Sean was willing to share. He told us about his journey to spiritual awakening and now a year off prescription medication I am more convinced than ever that Bipolar Disorder is a Spiritual Emergency, a shedding of skins, a collapse of the ego.

Of course Sean wouldn't accept all the responsibility for my continued healing. Thanks need to go to my family, my friends and the much maligned N.H.S here in the UK.

"God Helps those that helps themselves". Wherever that quote is from, it is true. I am helping myself, I am training my mind which had me enslaved for so many, many years. The Mind is given to you, you are not given to the mind.

I believe that there is a place for prescription medication in some extreme cases if only to alleviate the horror and panic that some spirits pass through but when the light appears at the end of the tunnel, then towards it you must go.

You can follow my spiritual journey prior to waking up at celticshaman.wordpress.com.
Love and Light Brothers and Sisters.

The Power Behind Jeremy's Bipolar: Becoming Friends with Both Sides- Part 1

Jeremy is a bit of a 'bipolarORwakingUP' success story, but of course, I can take only take a tiny part of the credit. As I'm learning from all of the people that write me with their stories of healing their bipolar disorder, my work on YouTube is just one more nudge in the right direction. As you will read, Jeremy, like so many others diagnosed 'bipolar-for-life' stopped listening to the noise outside and started honoring his inner spirit. And for Jeremy, his spirit was saying, "Dude, you gotta get your house in order!' Here is the first except from his blog at http://lotuswork.wordpress.com/



I want to tell my story, but not for a high five or a kudos. It is not to get an “atta-boy” or a pat on the back. I want to tell it because it is time to look at the view atop the mountain that I have been climbing for over ten years. I want to tell it because I hope that maybe someone is looking for a glimmer of hope no matter what DIS-ease your body is telling you. My story is meant to be told for my own well-being and it is my last step to fully embrace it.

Our society has a carved out the mental disorders as something that needs to be suppressed and fixed. However, our solutions are not perfect. It started for me in college during a time when most push themselves to the brink by partaking in activities that may be foreign to many. I was no stranger to this. I stayed up late during the week studying and then partied hard on the weekends. My diet consisted of an incomplete breakfast, a lunch of more carbs, and pizza or some other unhealthy choice. There was no salad or pure, raw foods mixed in anywhere.

My only exercise was walking to class (took the bus for the long walks) and lifting kegs. I never learned the art of quieting the mind, so I turned to TV to help. My way of coping with any stress was to shove things in my body such as alcohol, food, and other dangerous chemicals. I was pushing myself to the limit in the wrong direction.

My stress levels intensified as the semesters came and went until my spirit finally had it. My body, mind, and emotional well being were pushed to the brink. There are many theories about WHY someone has a manic experience, but to me it was simple. My spirit said, “If you can’t change, then I will help you.” My body was in one place, my mind in another, my emotions were out of wack, so an explosion took place. It was a recipe for mania. I know that anyone in the same circumstances would have a similar experience.

I will skip over all the years of medication and hospitalization that I endured in the beginning of this. I was told that I would have to be on medication for the rest of my life and there was no cure. Funny thing is that I was a psychology student and read all about this the semester before. I remember thinking that I shouldn’t believe it. I heard that most people who were diagnosed this way, don’t believe they are sick. Well I was sick, but relying totally on medication and the doctors was not the complete way to regain my health.

I am not condemning all the wonderful doctors and nurses that helped me along the way. I am not condemning the medications that I chose to take. They all helped me to get to where I am today. Although, I felt like I was giving my power away. We all have the power to return to homeostasis if given the chance.

I really owe much to my family because they always stuck by me even when I was unbearable to watch or be around. I AM blessed to have such wonderful support in my transition to health.